Day 1

I had a hard time falling asleep. Probably because it was Sunday (I usually have a hard time falling asleep on Sundays). I was a little anxious on what the next day would bring. Would that crazy tea work?

Before Andy went to sleep, I had him listen to my belly to hear what it sounded like. He said it sounded like a squeeky door. Man, I really need a stethoscope. Now, on to what has happened.

7am- work up and drank my 32oz of luke warm water and went back to bed. I am NEVER up at 7am, but wanted enough time in the bathroom before I went to work. It wasn't so great, and I forced myself to drink it. Then, I remember when I had about 4 oz left that someone online said it tasted like chicken soup. So, mid gulp, I changed my thinking to "I am drinking chicken soup". It worked. The last bit wasn't so bad.

So I waited.

7:20am, false alarm. I made Andy listen to my belly again. He said it sounded like squeeky doors and popping bubble wrap under water.

7:21am, 1st movment.Okay, this is what is supposed to happen. I went back to bed to watch TV (which we never do) and wait to see if anything else will happen.

7:25am, I remember saying "I don't think that I can poo anymore. I dont' know if anything else will come out". J,M & J, I peed out my butt! I literally was peeing out my butt. I read online that you should be near a bathroom, but they don't tell you that YOU PEE OUT YOUR BUTT. The peeing stopped, so I went back to bed to wait a little longer.

7:30am, we watched Ann Curry (my friend, I shall call "Lee" has a crush on her) on I think the Today show? I have no idea, I don't watch any of that stuff in the am. I'm usually asleep. Anyway, she is going to do a segment on Fad Diets after the break. One of the examples on the table looks suspiciciously like my cleanse exilir. I run to the toilet again during the commercial. More butt pee. This time I ask Andy if he could hear me through the wall. He could, and could not believe that was #2 and not #1.

The fad diets they talk about are eating backwards, a big dinner in the am, lunch and then a small breakfast. The next was the container diet. Everything you ate for the day was put in little containers, then a big container. The diet lady said something stupid about what if you were invited to lunch and then you had to bust out your container. Ann Curry said, or You could just buy a bigger container". No wonder Lee likes her, she is smart. Next up the Master Cleanser. I think they basically they said it was bad for you. Well, it isn't a diet, it is a cleanse. They did say you would lose weight, but it is full of fructose, so that is bad. I stopped listening what else they had to say, and missed the last fad diet. I had to run to the toilet. I wasn't taking any chances. I also read online that someone said not to fart. They weren't kidding.

I really needed to get into work, so I thought I should take a shower and be on with it. WARNING- THE NEXT BIT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. Of course, as I get shampooin my hair, I have to go. I knew from my last few toilet calls, that it was just brown water. So, I let it rip. Yes, you read it. I poo'd in the shower. No where on the internet in any of these Master Cleanse/Lemonade diets do they tell you that you may poo in the shower. They said be close to a bathroom, and they weren't kidding about that one. BUT, not once did they descibe the magnitude of this. You could shit your pants if you took a breath wrong. Thankfully, it all went down the drain. I did one more water poo, then out of the shower.

After I reported to Andy my shower happenings, I saw him get out of bed and put on his pants. Hurray! I was getting a ride to work. He said today was a special day and that I needed to get a ride. He also said I should pack a change of clothes.

I made my food for the day, and realized my container could only fit 3 drinks. I may have to adjust for other days, if I make it that long. Andy wouldn't let me leave the house until I went to get a change of clothes. He is so cute. So, in case you are wondering, I have a pair of big girl panties and a pair of jeans under my desk. Another note, get really soft TP. I will be raw by tomorrow.

Oh, and I realized that if I did this for 10 days, it would lead me right into vacation. There is no way that I can do the post cleanse routine while at his sister's wedding, so I decided to shorten it to 5 days. Honestly, after the mornings activities, if I make it 3 days it will be a miracle. Before I started I was all righteous (in my mind). "I can do this! I will prove it to myself that I can do it". Who am I fuckind kiddin! I crapped in the shower! That ain't right.

1:30pm- UPDATE- These are the longest blogs ever. Okay, what does my poo journal say. I am doing alright. It is interesting to notice that I was very hungry from about 11ish-12:30ish (the time I normally eat lunch). It was a weird sensation not to go and get something to eat. Normally, I am starving until 10am or so. I think I was too afraid to eat.

I think if I can get through the morning shitting, I'll be okay. I go between, OMG I can't do this another day to it's not so bad.

Oh, and the plus is I found a good toilet on the 13th floor in our office building. Floors 14-17 are always booked up with people, and I also run the risk of stinking up the place (and running into co-workers). Oh, I didn't mention the stench in the earlier poo ramblings, but it is there.

Oh, and before I left the house. I had lost one pound. That, my friend, is the reason for this tortue.

I shall continue to drink my mint tea, and finish up the day.